Question:

do you think that it is ok to dress very fashionably like show a little bit if skin? like a short skirt or cropped top as long as you don't look trashy? God wants you to look your best and to use what he has given you and not to feel insecure about your looks right? plus, don't Christian guys like good - looking girls ? thank you so much for your help. god bless!

Answer:

It sounds like you're having arguments with your parents about what you want to wear and what they want you to wear. You're not going to like my answer very much, because I'm on your parents' side.

Today's fashions aren't designed to make girls look good. They're designed to make girls look sexy, and that's something entirely different. What designers know and you probably don't realize is that males get turned on sexually by sight. Seeing someone's belly under a cropped top or long legs under a short skirt make a boy think of only one thing, even if they don't tell YOU that's what they're thinking about! I think you're confusing looking your best with looking trendy. Most teens dress the way they do today because they think it looks sexy. The majority of today's fashions are not exactly godly. This makes it difficult for Christian girls to dress modestly and fashionably – though it can be done!

We are special to God, and we should not give ourselves away easily. And though the way we dress does not mean we're sexually active, it certainly sends that message to boys. “Don't you know that you yourselves are God's temple and that God's Spirit lives in you?” (1 Corinthians 3:16). Boys only need a little visual stimulation to get turned on and get ideas about you. Be sure that in an effort to “look good” you aren't encouraging boys to think of you in ways you don't want them to. Paul wrote, “Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ” (Galatians 1:10).

Also, God is not concerned with how our bodies look. True, we need to take care of ourselves. But God is concerned with our hearts. He want us to be secure in Him, not in our looks, not in the clothes we wear, not in how musical or athletic we are, not in our grades…our security can only be found in Him. This security comes from developing a relationship with Christ, reading the Bible each day, and talking with Him about what's going on in our hearts and lives. I think that the more you get to know Jesus, the less you'll care if you're looking as sexy as other girls in your class.

And just in case I'm right about the argument with your parents, remember what the Bible commands: “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right” (Ephesians 6:1). Your parents love you more than you can ever imagine, and want only the best for you! They really don't want to be spoil sports, but because they love you they don't want you to do something that might hurt you when they can prevent it from happening.

I hope this has helped. “If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him” (James 1:5). I'm praying for you.

Question:

i really don't have anyone that i can talk to. i go to a very small private christian school and i lost the trust i had in the people in my class last year-long story. i don't feel like they hate me, but i have no one to share my inmost feelings with. i met some amazing friends this summer and i miss them so much i start to get depressed-not eating, sleeping, etc. i have prayed to God a lot but i am getting impatient with him. i am starting to find myself wanting to be alone all of the time even though i love hanging with people. how can i show love toward other people when i myself don't feel like i am being loved or cared for by my friends? i know what the bible says and i do show love towards them, but i really am just hurt that i don't have someone special to talk to. i can get somewhat jealous of others, so i just keep everything inside. i need help on what i should do- besides writing my thoughts down on paper.

Answer

I totally understand! It is so hard to make and keep friends, especially when you’ve been burned and are still hurting. Here’s what I’ve learned about making friends. You can’t wait for them to fall into your lap. You have to actually put yourself out there and make an effort.

I don’t know what happened between you and your old friends last year, but I do know that God calls us to forgive. Colossians 3:13 says, "You must make allowance for each other’s faults and forgive the person who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others." People mess up. All people mess up. The only One you can count on to never let you down is God. So, when dealing with people, we must remember that they are going to disappoint and hurt us at one time or another. As Christians, we are called to forgive others when that happens, even when it happens repeatedly (read Matthew 18:21 -35). So, it may be time to let go of the hurts of the past and mend broken relationships.

As I said before, I understand how difficult it is to make friends and how lonely it can be without them. I am naturally a very shy person. I don’t like to be in crowds and I’m not very good at opening up and sharing my thoughts and feelings with others. I too have been burned by friends in the past. But the cold, hard truth that I’ve come to learn is that if I want to have friends, I’m going to have to take steps to make friends. That means, when I come across someone I think would make a good friend, I must take steps to be their friend. Call them up, see if they want to go hang out. Talk to them. Don’t expect them to carry all the weight of friendship. People get close to one another as they share themselves with each other. Therefore, you may have to open up a little and risk embarrassment by sharing who you are with someone else. Now, don’t take the other extreme and share everything about yourself right up front. You do have to feel out the relationship, and let it grow at a natural pace.

Really, the best way to make friends is to take your focus off yourself and put it on someone else. Rather than nursing your own wounds and insecurities, look at others with eyes of compassion. Recognize that they have their own hurts and are just as insecure as you. Take the initiative to reach out and be a friend to them.

Question

I am scared for my sister that she won't find Christ. How do I talk to her about Jesus? I know that as a Christian I am supposed to share the good news, but I need help!

Answer

It's hard when our family members aren't Christians, because not only do we want them to spend eternity with us, but we also want them to experience the joy and forgiveness that's possible in their lives now. And so we work really hard to convince them that they need to be saved.

Here's the thing - it isn't up to us to save anyone. We can't. This is something that's between that person and God. We are called on to pray for them, and to "always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have" (1 Peter 3:15 ). But it is the work of the Holy Spirit to bring a person's heart to where they want salvation. I don't know about you, but that takes a lot of the pressure off of me!

"At one time we too were foolish, disobedient, deceived and enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleasures. We lived in malice and envy, being hated and hating one another. But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit" (Titus 3:3-5).

The important thing is to keep praying for your sister, and love her no matter what. Allow the Holy Spirit to work on her heart. Pray that she'll accept the awesome gift of grace God offers us.

"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith-and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God-not by works, so that no one can boast" (Ephesians 2:8-9). We can't earn His salvation - He has to bring our hearts to where we want to accept it. It's really pretty cool - He loves us so much, He prepares our hearts for us even before we know we want Him to! Pray that God is working on your sister's heart right now.

Question

I have been struggling for some time with suicide and cutting and other self harming things and I have been a Christian for a couple months but I seem to be getting worse as the days grow on. This past week I went deeper and more into my body b/c of a guy who hurt me emotionally and I cant seem to get over the feeling. Its been three years sense I started self harming myself and I cant seem to stop I need some advice and my youth pastors have tried to help but their words only stay with me but the words dont help with my actions, I am so confused and I dont know if I even believe GOD will forgive me anymore, will he? I feel so lost and alone right know and I dont like it even though I know I am not alone I still cant get rid of the feeling will someone please give me some advice or something to help me!

Answer

Cutting can be a symptom of several things. Some people cut themselves as a way to control when they feel pain. Some people cut in order to feel something when they've been hurt so badly they can't feel emotional pain anymore. And still others cut as a release from the torment that's going on inside them. There is no way I can know why you cut, and helping you with that is beyond the capacities of this column. I do strongly recommend that you find a competent Christian counselor to help you with this. This is more than your youth pastor can help you with, though they may be able to refer you a good counselor.

Here is something to think about as you search for a counselor. Our behaviors stem from our thoughts and our beliefs. I may be wrong, but it seems from your actions that you believe you lack worth. Explore where that belief is rooted. It's important to understand that what we believe fuels our thoughts and actions. Therefore, in order to change your thoughts, and then your actions, you must change your belief first. This is not something that is likely to be “fixed” in a short time. Your break-up with your boyfriend triggered this latest round of cutting, but it will take time to figure out what's going on inside you. It will be painful, but through your willingness to open up, God can and will heal you.

Remember, “We have this treasure (the Holy Spirit) in earthen vessels (our hurting, imperfect minds and bodies) , so that the surpassing greatness of the power will be of God and not from ourselves” (2 Corinthians 4:7). It is important as Christians that we remember it isn't about us anymore – it's about God and bringing glory to Him. We can't do that on our own, so He has entrusted His very own Holy Spirit to live in us when we accept His gift of salvation. Our lives are no longer our own, they are His. So, if for no other reason in the coming weeks, stay alive for God. He is there, He is hurting with you, and He does desire to bring you through this.

And finally, God does forgive you. He died for ALL our sins, not just some of them. There is nothing you can do that will make Him stop loving you. He may not like what you are doing, and there are always consequences for our actions, but He loves you wholly and completely. He knows us better than we know ourselves, and He still loves us! Isn't that awesome?!?! Put that in your belief system daily, till it becomes a part of you. “Neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 8:38-39). There is nothing you can do to make God stop loving you. I know it's hard to believe, but start trying to. Ask God to help you believe if you can't do it yourself. He will help.

You have tremendous worth.

Question

I've been struggling with throwing up my food for almost 11 months now. I don't really know what to do. I didn't ever think that it would get this far. I've been getting better, and I'm starting to get help, but I'm afraid that it will start back up again, because that's how it's been. I stop and start back up again. How do I know for sure that it will go away for good? Please help!

Answer

First of all I want to thank you for being so honest in your response. It is extremely difficult to face eating disorders and I want you to know that I applaud that.

Second of all, please know that eating disorders can be very serious. I want to encourage you to seek help with a pastor or counselor that you trust. They will be able to provide the support and resources for you to get help.

The main thing that I want to tell you is that throwing up is not about the food, it is about who we are in Christ. I myself struggled with Anorexia for several years and it was extremely difficult, but it was more about control than it was about food. My life seemed out of control and food was a way that I felt I could control the chaos. Unfortunately the food controlled me, and it became dangerous. The thing that saved me though, is God's unconditional love for me. I can't tell you how many times I read Psalm 139. The Psalmist talks about how God knew our unformed body before we were born. He thanks God because he we are fearfully and wonderfully made. Before you can address throwing up, you need to rest in the fact that God loves you more than anything else. He wants you to be healthy and he knows exactly who you are (all the good and the bad). If we are to be healthy, our focus has to be on God's love for us and who we are in Christ. This will give us he base to confront the issues that plague our life.

I will pray for you! Rest in God's love!